The first time I knew I had to live for myself was when I started living alone. When I woke up in my apartment the first morning on my own, it was liberating that I didn’t have anyone to live up to that day. It was also pretty scary - I wasn’t quite sure what to think of myself. I could’ve stayed in bed all day, not giving a care about the world or be inspired to do anything at all. I felt like a huge void had surrounded me, and I felt like I had to figure out how to find myself.
I think it’s usually the easier route living your life from other people telling you to do, think, or say - and be blinded to what you truly want. It’s hard thinking for yourself - what you want to do in life, what you don’t. It doesn’t make it easier when people tell you conflicting ideas on how to do things. You have to sift through a lot of stuff to get to the things you love - the things that when no matter how hard life gets, you’ll always enjoy doing.
Whenever I feel lost in life, I turn to drawing or writing. Even if I can’t express in words what I’m thinking, I can draw how I feel. So when I felt that huge void surrounding me, I started drawing and writing to help try to figure things out. It didn’t brush out that scary feeling right away, but I had something that I could look at, and refer back to - and start to finally think of more ways to make me feel more confident about myself. Soon that void around me started to feel like I was blazing a path through it, made of thoughts and excitement for what I could become.